Confessions of a Catholic Convert.

Some years ago Good Friday, I was seated in a pew at my beloved Anglo-Catholic parish in Manhattan. The Mass of the Pre-Sanctified was being celebrated. For those not in the know, it is a liturgy long ago removed from the Catholic Missal, having been abolished in the reforms of 1955. It is however still celebrated by Anglo-Catholics.

During the mass I was marvelling at the the beauty of it, the chants, the clouds of billowing incense, and the celebrants resplendent in their black vestments. Then something strange happened. In the midst of the glory and pomp, I distinctly heard a voice, not mine, in my head say to me: “Jesus is not here.” I was startled by that and after mass pondered the meaning of it while riding the uptown train to Washington Heights where I lived. I continued to ponder on it for quite some time after.

One day, while walking down Ninth Avenue in Hell’s Kitchen to my job, I again heard a voice in my head, but this time it was clearly mine and it solved the mystery I had been pondering all the while. The voice told me: “You have to go to Rome.”

I had in the past considered the possibility of swimming the Tiber, owing to the increasing disarray in the Episcopal Church, in which I had been raised. Additionally, I was deeply impressed by the new pope, Benedict XVI.  At the same time though, I believed the little jewel of a church I attended was sufficient for salvation and I should stay put. Now I no longer believed it.

I did not know any Catholic priest, either in person or by name, whose counsel l might seek, but a little later the name of a priest did occur to me, one whose writings and talks on ESPN I had much enjoyed, Fr. George Rutler. I found his church online and since there was no email address on the website, I sent him a letter snail mail, including in it my email address, asking if I might see him. The very next day I received an email from Father that simply read: “Come see me.” I did.

That was the beginning of my embracing the full Catholic faith. Father and I talked for a good hour. He suggested some books I should read, including Newman’s Apologia, Augustine’s Confessions and several others. He told me catechism classes at his church were just beginning for the year and that I might like to attend them, but he also told me I didn’t have to: “I give Anglicans a pass,” he said. I went to one anyway and was so impressed by the two young men conducting the class I decided to attend all of them

We had to work in those classes. We read the entire Catechism, many papal bulls and encyclicals and were even given writing assignments. After seven months I felt I was a reasonably well-informed catechist.

Not long afterward, at the Easter Vigil in the Church of Our Saviour in New York, I was confirmed and received into the Holy Catholic Church by Fr. Rutler.

My Catholic journey has since had its ups and downs. One of the ups was shortly after being received, coming across the Church of the Holy Innocents in New York and learning of its incipient celebrations of the Tridentine Mass. I soon took part in them by joining the church’s Schola Cantorum, in which we sang the chants of the mass. It was an experience I treasure to this day.

One of the downs included the unexpected retirement of Benedict XVI, who was one of the inspirations that led me to the Catholic Church. His successor, alas, has not proved inspirational and after much frustration over the years, this past January I decided to leave Holy Church for the Eastern Orthodox Church. I attended Divine Worship for a few weeks at a beautiful church in Santa Fe. When sure this was the direction in which I wanted to go, I emailed the pastor of my local church informing him I was leaving. That same day he called me and had the same message Father Rutler had for me years back: “Come see me.” Again, I did and after two hours of productive argument and reasoning, I told my pastor I would carefully consider all we had discussed and let him know my decision. Two days later I called and told him I was staying.

And stay I will. For all her manifold faults, her lousy liturgies, scandals beyond number, and a pope who seems determined to drive out of the Church all that is beautiful, traditional and true, this is the Church founded by Peter the Church whose birthday we celebrate on Maundy Thursday. Our Lord promised us the gates of hell shall not prevail against His Church and much as the devil has attempted to destroy Her over the millennia, he has failed to do so and will continue to fail. Even if I do not live to see it, Holy Church will triumph over her present woes.

Tonight’s Easter Vigil marks the 15th since my reception into the Catholic Church. I pray I may see many more of them. Deo gratia, amen.